(Please know that many of my entries are a reflective look back because at the time, I was unable to write.)
As I wake up this morning, there is only one word to describe what I’m feeling about today…DREAD!!! After experiencing two days of treatment and some very long nights, I call the love of my life in tears and sobbing, “I can’t do this again today!” I know that within two hours of taking the medicine that is necessary to heal my body, I will again experience a horrific migraine , as well as, all day nausea that makes the morning sickness I had with my girls seem like a cake walk. I just continue on and on through my tears conveying to him, “Why I can’t do this!” and “Why I give up!”
Amazingly, in a very calm and encouraging voice, he was my #1 Cheerleader that day! Perhaps, it was because in my absence he had to take on the role of “Cheer Coach” to both of our girls who needed someone to spot them as they tumbled and jumped all over our home getting ready for their upcoming cheer tryouts, which I hate to miss. He was amazing in both of these cheer roles and encouraged me with words like, “You are strong! You can do this! Each day is one day closer to being well! Just take one day at a time!” As he continued to speak over me, I began to believe it too!
“I can do this! I can do this! I can do this!” I chant over and over as I swallow each pill and believe that “I am strong” enough to handle whatever this day brings.
When I pick up my daily devotion book for the day, I don’t get past the featured verse on the top of the page…
“My grace is sufficient! My power works best in weakness!” 2 Corinthians 12:9
“Really God?” This is the verse that I always recite over and over in my times of greatest despair. This I know for sure…Today, I am the perfect picture of one thing … WEAKNESS! But this verse promises me that this is when God’s power will work BEST! “Let Your Power Work, Lord!”
Just like clockwork, the symptoms hit with an even greater force than they have before. My head hurts soooo badly that I literally cannot lift it off my pillow, and my migraine medicine doesn’t seem to touch it. Once the nausea starts, it comes in waves that do not stop. The pain that I feel today in my lower back that radiates down both of my legs is new and alarming. The only relief is to pace the floor and pray and watch the clock for naptime so I can just try to sleep through as much of this as possible.
I MADE IT!!! As, I lie in bed tonight trying to fall asleep and reflecting back over this very long, hard day, these are the things that come to mind…
I have often times in the past told others to be “utterly dependent” on The Lord. Until today, I thought I knew what those words meant. But I realize now that I experienced these words on an entirely different level. I experienced what it feels like to be “utterly dependent” for literally every minute of a day. Actually, I experienced just what it means to make it through another minute. Something tells me that I will never say those two words quite the same ever again.
Also, I experienced today what Corrie ten Boom described in her phenomenal book, The Hiding Place, that I just recently read. She gives every detail of being drug from her home and taken to a horrific concentration camp during World War 2 with nothing but the clothes on her back. Corrie and her family long for their most prized possession, the family bible. However, they are so grateful that they had the words from that bible memorized in their hearts and minds to sustain them. That is exactly how I felt today when I didn’t even have the energy to lift my bible and just had to retrieve from my memory God’s promises to me. I too, like Corrie, was soooo grateful to have them but realized that I don’t have near enough hidden away in my heart and mind for times such as these.
But most of all, I know that “I MADE IT!!!” through today because just as He promised…His grace was sufficient and His power worked best in my weakness!